I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
