In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
