I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
