Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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