Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
