Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I am one with the molecules
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
