I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
