my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
