Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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