I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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