I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
