I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
