Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
