I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
