here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Randomize