I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
