why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
