he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
