It's like a parade of train wrecks.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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