I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
