hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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