From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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