You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just pee around me
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
