is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
