At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
