Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
