I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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