Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
