why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I currently don't understand fingers.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
