chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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