Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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