Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
