you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
