now i know why i became what i already was.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We have so much sex to catch up on
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
