listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
