So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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