you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
