they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Pooping to opera.
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