That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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