No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Randomize
