I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
