My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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