Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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