awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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