well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
