After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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