dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
