my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
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