I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We had sex on a dog bed..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
