My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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