Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
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No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
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That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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