and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
