I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
