I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
