I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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