I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
