he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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