when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
